Betty Crocker's Kids Parties From Hell

Well, it's been an exciting weekend here. My cousin recently returned from visiting his parents in Canada with a big box full of vintage 1970s Betty Crocker recipe cards for me to play with. He promised me that they would be worth waiting for, and oh sweet Jesus, was he right. With delights such as Spunky Zucchini Toss and Baked Prune Whip and over 500 cards in the box, I now have a foul retro recipe for every occasion.

You will be seeing a lot of these horrors over the next few months, but to start you off, I thought I'd share some of the cards from the Children's Party section. If you're ever in the position of having to throw a party for a small child that you loathe, these will be perfect:

What could be more perfect than an LSD themed ladybird cake? Clearly tripping balls -  look at the pupils on that.

 

NOPE.

What is a backyard parade, though? Because I think there might be a euphemism lurking somewhere.

 

That would be what Satan's minion looks like then.

Some sort of woodland demon summoning ritual cake

I am 95% sure that I was at this party and it was a) amazing and b) not for children.

Fuck knows really.

I just...that's not even a thing. Stop trying to make paper bag parties happen.

I mean...why? I can't work out which of these barbaric hellions is most likely to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my days. I get the feeling it's going to be him on the left with the cold dead eyes though.